As I mentioned in my last entry, the last few months have been full of changes, adventures, and new beginnings. Justin and I spent most of the year just enjoying the ability to be together for the whole year. It was a first for us since we were married in 2006.
When he came home from Iraq in October of 2008 we technically weren't newlyweds anymore (I believe the cut off is at your 2 year mark) but in a sense it was for us. We spent more than half our marriage apart, thank you Marine Corps! Those first years weren't without many trials, errors, the good, the bad, and the ugly! I have tendencies to over-think most everything. At one point in my life I was a planner. I am not a huge fan of surprises. When God opened the doors for Justin to enlist I felt his unspeakable peace, when He blessed us with Elijah I felt complete, when He moved us to California I was ready for the adventure, when Justin deployed I was hopeful that it could only do great things for us, when he came home I was overjoyed and felt complete again. Through the last year though I've felt so non content.
As many of you may know Justin and I have been trying to have another baby since October of 2008. I was diagnosed with PCOS(polycystic ovarian syndrome, meaning many cysts in my ovaries) in November of that year. I had always been skeptical that there may be something wrong with all that. When I was 16 I had an OBGYN tell me if I were to get pregnant it would be a miracle. Justin knew all about this before we were married, we were on the 5 year plan anyway. God was on a totally different plan because 5 incredibly short months into our marriage we were pregnant! I was thrilled, nervous, but thrilled! Now fast forward about 2 years. As I sat in that doctors office heartbroken and confused I was reminded of how much we were already blessed. God had given us an amazing little boy who was healthy and strong. He was growing and maturing and I was so thankful.
The last 15 almost 16 months haven't been without many ups and downs, including emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I often ask God to just show me a window of what he is preparing us for! I know it has to be huge!!
As we brought in the new year there was still apart of me completely heartbroken. Not being able to "plan" according to how (I) think things should go is something I struggle with daily. You'd think after all we've been through the last 4 years I'd just give up!! This year I've decided to deal with what the Lord has given me here and nothing more! Matthew 6:34 says "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
As I cling to God's Word I remind myself of this truth. Why worry about not having a baby right now? God has so graciously blessed us. We are not worthy of all He has done for us, and yet because He loves us so much he continues to. His timing is ALWAYS better then our own. For instance, though I'd LOVE to be pregnant now, if we had got pregnant just even 3 months ago Justin would miss everything including the birth. As he prepares to deploy I thank the Lord for all the unanswered prayers. As much as I want another child, I want Justin here to experience it all... as he missed everything except the birth with Elijah.
So I guess I say all that to say, The Lord is faithful. He hears our prayers. He knows our hearts desires. Instead of praying "Lord give me this..." we ought to pray "Lord you know my thoughts, my desires, and my fears. Fulfill those desires in your timing. Grant me contentment, understanding, and wisdom."
As we continue through 2010 my prayer is that God will heal my body and continue to prepare us for what He has for us. Also for the wisdom in knowing our next step... Not only in my infertility, but in every area of our life.
I pray that wherever you need wisdom and strength in your life God will be quick to respond and guide your steps!